How to Write a Love Letter

Quick, how many of you out there have ever written a genuine, quill-and-parchment, mailed-with-a-stamp and sealed-with-a-kiss love letter? That's what I thought. Ever since the advent of the internet, honest-to-goodness love letters-which once were spun out to novelistic lengths by nineteenth-century masters of the form-have become as rare on the ground as spotted leopards (or whatever endangered species suits your fancy). Here's how to write a love letter that will make your enamored swoon with rapture and, yes, surprise.

Use classy pen and paper. Somehow, a love letter written with a blue Bic on office stationery bearing the motto "You want it done WHEN?" doesn't exactly invoke violins and roses. At the very least, roust up some heavy-stock, elegant-looking paper, and if you must use an ordinary pen, choose one with a classy color of ink.

Open with a tender salutation. "Dear Sirs" or "To Whom It May Concern" are businesslike and direct, but they don't quite set the proper tone of intimacy. Instead, try "my dearest ____" or "my beloved____," and be sure to get the name of the person right (you'd be surprised how many first-time letter writers flub this small but important detail).

Pour out your heart. A love letter isn't like a high-school essay, with an introduction, expository text, and recapitulation. What you're aiming for here is an inexhaustible, stream-of-consciousness recitation of the virtues of your beloved, contrasted with your own inimitable shortcomings. As a general rule: the higher the virtue-to-shortcoming ratio, the classier the letter.

Stay focused. If you find yourself running out of material, don't resort to the dental checkup you had the other day or that guy at work, you know, the really annoying one? Who always plays his radio so loud? And I've complained and complained to the boss but I guess no one at this company takes me seriously? Instead, take a break until your romantic fount is replenished and you can get back to that virtue/shortcoming thing.

Close with a tender valediction. As in step #2, the cumulative effect of your heartfelt love letter will be completely negated by a lame "regards," "sincerely" or "respectfully yours." Consider something more pungent, such as "if only 'twere written in blood, your abased servant, on whose unworthy head I bid thee bestow thine blessing," etc. etc.

Hire a calligrapher. Once you've chosen the proper envelope and stamp-again, consult rule #1-consider hiring a master of fruity scripts to inscribe your beloved's name and address. The handwriting should be fancy enough to make the mailman squint, but not so fancy that your beloved thinks she's received an invitation to a Bar Mitzvah.

How to Say I Love You

Ready to take the plunge and introduce that most romantic phrase into your relationship's dialogue? Saying "I love you" for the first time is a big step; learn how to say I love you to your significant other.


Decide if you do, indeed, love your mate. Most partners can see through a halfhearted 'love ya' - which won't do your relationship any good.

Consider the possibility that your partner might not respond with the hoped-for 'I love you, too.' If you can handle that and still want to express your love, go for it. If you can't, then consider holding off until either you're certain your partner will respond as hoped or you're OK with it if he or she doesn't.

Think about how you'd like to let your partner know the way you feel, keeping in mind that uttering those words may give birth to a lifelong memory. If spontaneity works for you, wait for the perfect moment. If you're more methodical, consider writing a love letter first, then telling your mate in person the next time you get together.

If you decide in advance when to reveal your love, plan a special evening around it. Such relationship milestones warrant celebration.

When you tell your partner you love him or her, do so while making total eye contact, and while you are holding each other. This gives the moment the intimacy it deserves.

How to Make Love

Birds do it. Bees do it. But how do they know how to make love? Instinct. Humans have it too. It's an inborn instinct to procreate with the ones we love. And that instinct has led to over six billion people on this earth, so it can't be all that difficult. But if you need a guide on how two people "connect," then here are a few steps on how to make love.

Find a willing and clean partner. Ideally, you and the partner will be in a serious, monogamous relationship. While casual sex could be fun, it can lead to painful or life-threatening sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unwanted pregnancy

Discuss the possibility of sexual relations with your partner. Find out their sexual history, and discuss if you are mature enough and emotionally ready to have sex. If you can't say "I love you" to the person, you are not ready to have sex.

Purchase birth control and STD prevention. The female can choose from a variety of birth control methods, while the male should purchase condoms.


Find the right moment. Making love is often a spontaneous event, and too much planning can ruin the mood. However, you want to be sure you are in a safe environment where no one will barge in on you.

Slowly undress and begin foreplay. Foreplay is the kissing and touching that occurs before sex. While the male will want to jump right in to the sex, the female requires a bit of warming up. Think of the man as a microwave and the woman as a crockpot--they take different times to get to the same "temperature."


Lay horizontally on a bed. The man can be on top of the woman, his body in between her legs, and their genitals aligned. This is called the missionary position, and it is one of many different positions for making love.


Insert the erect penis into the vagina. If the vagina is dry and it is hard to insert, use a few drops of lubricant.Engage in a rhythmic, tandem motion with your hips, carefully and slowly moving the penis in and out of the vagina. It may take a few minutes (or months) to get your rhythm togetherAs partners near climax, the rhythm will increase, as will the body heat and verbal declarations of love. Upon climax, the male will release sperm into the condom or vagina, and his penis will deflate.


The male will roll off the partner. Hold each other, exchange your promises of love and enjoy the afterglow